A Few Cute Photos

Just had to post these pictures of Jack!

By Small Things

I have decided that one of my New Year's Resolutions would be to read the entire Book of Mormon by myself. Jason and I have read it together before - but this time I wanted to read it alone. So, I may be cheating - but I decided to start early. That way I have a head start for the new year.

Today when I received a phone call that my cousin Ashleigh had just given birth to a healthy baby girl my mind jumped back to 1 Nephi 16:29.

It says, " . . . by small means the Lord can bring about great things."

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I thought about the "small means" in my life and the "great things" they have brought to me.

My first "small means" came in the form of a 5 pound 6 ounce baby boy with a broken body and a powerful spirit. His birth, his life and his death have worked miracles in my life. The first time I held this little boy I was overcome with a great sense of responsibility and love. I remember thinking, "My mom loves me this much too." The love of a parent is a great thing. Much more profound than I ever anticipated it to be.

I am a changed person because of this "small mean" in my life. My eyes were opened to the reality of life and equally, the reality of the Plan of Salvation because of the Atonement of Christ.

I learned how to really pray for the first time. And I mean PRAY. Not just utter repetitive words.

He taught me how to have faith, hope and charity.

To love someone more than myself and how to set aside my selfish desires.

Sometimes I feel a little cheated that I had such a great loss at such a young age. For the rest of my life I will carry that loss of innocence and freedom any young mother deserves to have. And yet, today I feel gratitude that I was able to learn these things at the age of 25 to carry with me through the rest of my life. Heavenly Father trusted me to be the mother of our sweet Gavin - and because of that, great things have occurred in my life.

My second "small means" came to our home early this year. This one came a few pounds heavier at 7 pounds 4 ounces. Words cannot express the healing that our sweet Jack brought into our lives when we were in the waves of grief and loneliness.

I have so much gratitude for this lively and happy baby boy. His energy, personality and love has taught me how to be happy again and have hope.

Real hope.

I laugh like I never thought I would laugh again. There are moments I actually feel almost carefree again and there are times that I know Jack knows how much I need him.

Happiness is such an important part of life - and having Jack has helped me see that it is okay to be happy again and to have hope that one day I will understand more about our Heavenly Father's plan for our family.

Christmas Box Angel

Tonight we went to the annual Palm Mortuary Christmas Box Angel Memorial. For those of you who haven't read about this before - you can read "The Christmas Box Angel" book by Richard Evans and it explains the story behind the angel. Every December 6th any parent/grandparent who has lost a child can gather together at the children's' section of the cemetery. They light up the Christmas Tree and sing Christmas carols. We use that night to decorate Gavin's area as well. It is a sweet reminder that we are not alone and that there are many others who are missing their babies during this holiday season.

Tonight as we drove over to the cemetery I asked Jason if this third Christmas without Gavin was any better. He was quiet for a long time and then said, "It doesn't hurt any less - I am just a little more distracted this year." His distraction, or course, is our sweet baby Jack. I do not fail to recognize the blessing of joy and peace he has given to us. Especially during this holiday season.

Me and my momma. She has been through it all with me. Jason, Me, Jack, Grandpa Dave and Grandma Cindy
Jack loved the HUGE Christmas Tree.

Jason hanging Gavin's Christmas ornament on the tree.

Jason, Jack and Me hanging Gavin's Christmas Tree ornament.

We decorated Gavin's area with battery powered Christmas lights this year!

On a side note . . . I know Jack's outfit is a little mismatched. We were piling clothes on him trying to keep him warm!

It's Begining To Look A Lot Like Christmas

I love decorating the house for Christmas.

L.O.V.E. I.T.

I anxiously await playing Christmas movies on the TV while we set up the tree, drink hot chocolate and reminisce about childhood traditions.

I also have also discovered that I am married to Clark Griswold this year. Somehow he keeps adding more and more lights to the house.

Love that too.

This is the manger scene Jason's grandfather built for him from the tree that used to be in his front yard. We are still working on collecting the nativity people. :)And I LOOOOVE my Christmas table!
Every decoration on our tree has meaning. Each year we purchase an ornament that represents that year as a whole for us.

This ornament is from 2006. We were writing letters to Santa asking for a baby after a recent miscarriage. That Christmas I found out that I was pregnant with Gavin.

This ornament is from 2008. Gavin has blessed our lives and I was pregnant with Jack.

We lived on hope that year.

We also have a fun tradition of buying ornaments from each place we visit. It was fun hanging all our new ornaments we purchased in Europe. This is my favorite one this year. It is from Sorrento, Italy.

The Stockings Were Hung By The Chimney With Care

I finally finished our Christmas stockings! Just in time for Christmas. It was a pretty big undertaking for someone who rarely sews - but I am SO happy with the way they turned out!

Jason and I have decided that we will fill Gavin's Christmas stocking with notes indicating kind acts of service we have done for others during this holiday season. I can't think of a better gift to give my angel baby for Christmas - or a better way to teach Jack about the true meaning of Christmas.

Thanksgiving 2009

This year we spent Thanksgiving in Vegas with my family. My saint-of-a-mother has made every single Thanksgiving meal since she was married. And year after year she plays a wonderful hostess. I truly admire her. Maybe next Thanksgiving with my family it will be my turn to play hostess!

We had so much fun watching Jack eat turkey, potatoes and pumpkin pie.

And we HAD to dress him up in this adorable corduroy jacket.

The holidays still have a certain heartache that is a constant reminder of missing Gavin. I still find myself wanting to be alone during times like this. Socially, the holidays are difficult. Sitting at lunch I couldn't help but think of how I wished I had both of my boys. It took all I had to hold back the tears multiple times over the weekend.

However, it was also a perfect time to reflect and remember the important things in life. This life is about "becoming." There are so many times I find myself loosing sight of that. It's good to have days like this to remind me.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. We have received blessing after blessing. And I am truly grateful for all of them. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life experiences and how they have shaped my life. I love my Savior and Heavenly Father who have never ever left my side. I love the joy that has filled my life.

And of course . . . the Mortensen girls are ALWAYS thankful for dessert!

Stinky Breath

A few days ago Jack woke up with stinky breath. YUCK! We can't have that! So I picked up an infant toothbrush and . . . PROBLEM SOLVED! He actually likes to have his teeth brushed!

Jack Is Ten Months Old!

I know I am a little late posting about Jack's 10th month. Just blame it on the approaching holidays . . . that is what I blame everything on right now!This month Jack:
- has had two more teeth come in . . . the top left on 10/21/09 and the top right on 11/12/09. This makes a grand total of four teeth!

- has learned to stack blocks inside his farmhouse toy

- LOVES his bubble baths

- will actually SIT STILL for more than two minutes to look at this FABULOUS book his Aunt Trish bought for him

- loves to dance (basically moving his arms while his body stays still) to the "Hot Dog" song on the Mickey's Mouse Clubhouse show

- loves to hear his voice echo on our walks in the morning

- loves swinging on the swing set

- is eating almost all foods now!

- loves to watch the Ohio State Buckeye football games with his dad . . . and then nap on dad's chest after

- says MAMA and DADA and is directing it to us

- says Zezus when we talk about Jesus

LOOK AT THOSE NECK ROLLS!

Faith and Hope

Faith and Hope.

Those are the two things I have learned most being Gavin and Jack's mom.

This picture is my proof.

One experience taught me so much about faith - the other has given me hope.

We can be happy again and find joy in all our experiences.

God Lives Under The Bed

Today I received an email from a friend of mine with the story below. I don't know who wrote it - but it is sweet and reminds me of the simple and important things in life. I hope I can always keep this point of view on life.

GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED

I envy Kevin. My brother, Kevin, thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night.

He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...'

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room.. Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.

He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.

He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them..

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life?

Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed.

The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.

He does not seem dissatisfied.

He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work.

He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores.

And Saturdays - oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go! ' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.

His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.

And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips..

He doesn't know what it means to be discontent.

His life is simple.

He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.

His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it.

He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax.

He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.

He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.

Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.

Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to the Lord, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp.. God seems like his closest companion.

In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my beliefs, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith.

It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions.

It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care.

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.

And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.

Kevin won't be surprised at all!

Happy Halloween!

Halloween was so much fun this year! I have been waiting for this for a LONG time.

We took Jack to my mom and dad's Trunk-Or-Treat.

He sure seemed to love all the attention and people to look at!

Jason carved a pumpkin with a smile like Jack's. Two teeth on the bottom and one on the top.

And this is Jack showing us how he growls in his tiger costume.

Dear Gavin

Dear Gavin,

Today we are thinking of you. In fact, you are all I can think about. Your father and I spent the morning at the Temple. I love being there. I can feel the peace I need during these times of grief and loneliness. Then we went to lunch and talked about you and the memories we have of you. We laughed and cried. The day was beautiful and I know you and our Heavenly Father were mindful of us.

Today it has been two years since you returned to our Father in Heaven. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. My heart was full of grief, but also full of peace for you. I knew you would be returning to do the mission you were destined for - but my mother arms ached letting you go. I wanted to hold onto you forever. I would have if they would have let me.

I don't know if you can comprehend the anguish a mother feels as she wraps her lifeless baby boy in a hospital blanket, lays him in his bed and watches as he is rolled away. I remember praying that those talking care of your sweet body were kind to you. I know they were. We loved so many of the individuals who cared for you.

I do know that the feelings I had that night were unlike any I have ever had. The feelings of peace and calmness I felt during those last hours were something I had never felt before. It seemed as though there were hundreds of angels holding us up, comforting and supporting us as we walked with you to the end of your life here on Earth. I felt warm, calm and peaceful. I actually felt joy too. I was so grateful that I had been given three months with you - after all, the doctors said you should have never made it through the pregnancy. I knew your birth was a miracle, every day with you was a miracle and the way I felt around you was a miracle. And the night you left our arms for Heavenly Father's arms - I knew that was nothing short of a miracle. Miracles surrounded us that night. Things I will never forget.

Gavin, that night and all 93 nights leading up to that have changed my life. I feel more compassion, love, faith and hope than ever before. I hope you know that I love you. I support you in the endeavors you are faced with now. Please know that we are okay - we are sad and miss you, but we are okay. And, we are okay because we know we will see you again someday. And that day will be a miracle too.

Oh, how I love and miss you and love you my little bug.

Love,
Momma

Stand Steady and True

This morning I woke up thinking about the decisions we were faced with two years ago today and I was inspired to read what I had written about Gavin during his final days with us. As I was going through my journal I came across this quote that I must have heard shortly after Gavin passed away.

I think it speaks to many of us, for different reasons, at different times.

How blessed I am to be a daughter of God, to understand the gospel, to have a patient and loving husband, to have an eternal family, a beautiful son to watch over us from Heaven and one here for me to squeeze and kiss all day today.

Heavenly Father has blessed me with tender mercies and a special blessing of peace today.

I have a broken heart and yet, I am grateful for all I have and will have someday.

"Discipleship does not guarantee freedom from the storms of life. Even as we are wending our way carefully and faithfully along the straight and narrow path, we encounter obstacles and challenges. There are days, perhaps even months and years, when life is just hard. We experience our fair share of adversity, heartache, loneliness, pain and grief - sometimes it seems more than our fair share."

"What do we do when adversity strikes? There is only one thing to do. Stand steady and see it through. Stay steadfast, constant, and true. The real tragedy in the whirlwinds of life comes only when we allow them to blow us off our true course."

- David S. Baxter (Ensign, November 2006)

Perfect Memories

There are some days that you can remember every minute of no matter how many years later it is.

These next few days are like that for our family.

I can remember everything.

Like how two years ago tonight was the first time I didn't pray for Gavin to get better.

Instead I prayed to know His will.

Remembering things like that . . .

I watch the minutes pass and pray for strength and love to be in our home.

2009 Halloween Party

Every year our friends have an adult-only Halloween party.

The stakes are high and excellent costumes are a must.
There isn't much I can say for this post. The pictures pretty much say it all . .

Who You Gonna Call?

ARGH! The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man attacked our house!

What? What? Look at that butt!

Jack's First Trunk-Or-Treat

Tonight we had our first Trunk-Or-Treat. It was a first for all of us! I am not so sure Jack loved his costume though . . . Yup, pretty sure he hated it.And then he showed us how a tiger crawls! Too cute!

So What?!

So, maybe this morning I ate all of this while watching Halloween movies during Jack's nap.

And maybe, just maybe, I was throwing a pity party for myself and overindulging on carbs.

And maybe I was sad for dear family friends today who are having one of the most difficult days a family can have.

So, maybe I ate all of these . . . just maybe.

Halloween for Gavin

We always love to decorate for Gavin when it comes to the holidays.

We decided to bury Gavin in the children's section of the cememtery and I am so happy we made that decision. During the holidays it is actually a beautiful and fun place. Parents bring toys and flowers and all other types of decorations. It does have a youthful feel and a peaceful presence.

Tonight we decorated for Halloween. Jack had fun roaming around on the grass and I couldn't resist snapping a few photos.

Say Hello To Our (Second) Little Friend

Jack's second tooth officially broke through on Thursday October 15, 2009.

(Ummm . . . please ignore the lunch left overs up my child's nose.

I promise I DO wash his face . . .)

We now have a happy boy!

It's like a night and day difference!

Jack Is Nine Months Old!

My little buddy is nine months old now! Another month has come and gone . . . I sure hope I am taking in every minute!

This month Jack:

- weighs 17 lbs. 7 oz.
- is 27.5 inches tall
- is now in the 25% for height and weight
- has learned to crawl up the stairs . . . kinda
- has fallen down the stairs
- makes a funny monkey faces
- officially has one tooth
- walks along the couch
- can stand on his own until he realizes it, and then he falls
- loves to try to eat mom and dad's dinner (it's like having a puppy dog around every time we eat)
- says mama, dada, and baba
- sleeping 10 hours a night on average
- has started a VERY high pitched squeal
- loves to feed himself avocado, bananas, and fruit puffs
- goes CRAZY when his dad comes home from work
- has had visits from Grandma and Grandpa Bailey
- love to jump on Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Dave's trampoline
- gives big open mouth kisses and lots of hugs

Here is the monkey face
Jack was in search of the TV remotes in this picture. Such a boy . . .
Do you see the size of that tounge?! Ummm . . . yeah. Whatever.

Crawling up the stairs. With supervision, of course.

And, Jack is still crazy about his baths. Sometimes it is the best way to distract him!

Jack, I love you. Your smile makes me smile!

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2009

Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I am missing this sweet boy today . . .

So, I will hold this other sweet boy twice as long. . .

Hugs and kisses, my little boys. Momma loves you.

Life Script

This weekend I had a really good conversation with my sister in law, Trisha. We were talking about how life just doesn't always go the way you plan it to go. She would know. Trisha has been dealing with an awful disease for many years that has stolen parts of her life away. Life has not gone the way she imagined.

This got me thinking about how we all seem to script out our life. Seeming to give ourselves too much power and much more credit that we deserve.

A week ago I sat a lunch with a friend and we joked about a project we completed as Seniors in high school. Our sociology teacher asked us to map out a timeline of our lives - including future family, career, education and travel. My mom found these posters at her house a few months ago and my friend and I laughed about all the expectations we had for ourselves at 17 years old.

As we giggled at our ideas to backpack through Europe after high school graduation and the many other career expectations we had for ourselves I felt a little melancholy as I reminisced about some other expectations I had for myself.

Nowhere on this poster was written that I would have a special needs child who would never leave the hospital. And would only stay with us for three months. Nowhere on that poster did I write about the eulogy I would give for him as I tried help others understand this experience. Nowhere on that poster was written about choosing a small white casket and patch of grass to bury him in. Or giving my child one last kiss. Nowhere on that poster was written about the stress, anxiety and heartache I would continue to feel even two years after. Nowhere on there was written how life would stop for me for days, weeks even months at a time while I grieve and mourn so many experiences I wanted to have with him and the emptiness without him.

I never wrote that into my life script.

Who would?

But, looking back - I do not regret the hopeful and innocent expectations I had as a Senior in high school - nor do I have disdain for the unexpected chapters in my life script. I wish I could change the ending of some chapters, however, I never wish they were not written. Some chapters in life change us. Hopefully for the better if we let them. We are shaped and molded into characters by a more supreme being who can really see our life script. We give ourselves too much credit thinking that we can become better without His intervention. Sometimes that intervention works well into our script and sometimes it throws a twist into the plot. The important thing is that we DO have control over how we respond and react to these twists and turns.

There have been chapters added to my life script that have been unexpected. There have also been chapters that have been far better than I ever could have written myself. Blessings I didn't even know existed. I have an eternal family and the comfort of that brings happiness even in the most difficult of chapters. I have a wonderful husband who loves me despite my inadequacies. Loving him is better than I ever could have imagined on my own.

I have come to understand that we have to accept what we cannot change and learn to look for the happiness in what we are blessed with. Despite the things I wish I could change - I am finding joy in the opportunity I had to know Gavin. I find joy in the presence of my sweet baby Jack and the time I have with him. I love his smile, laugh and intensity. I find joy in my husband who is a wonderful father and best friend.

I don't know anyone who has had their life go exactly as they imagined. But I am learning accept the things I cannot change and find joy in my own journey. I cherish my story.

A Bailey Family Weekend

This past weekend we met Jason's family at my parents' cabin for a quick weekend. We had a nice time together enjoying the wonderful Southern Utah weather. I always love getting to see my niece and nephews. They grow up so fast! It's also great to chat and get caught up on all the things that are going on in each others lives.

The Bailey kids and grandkids.The Bailey grandkids

On Saturday we attempted boating - but Jack is VERY irritable and teething lately, so Trish and I stayed behind with him and took him to the Parowan Fall Festival. These are the times I wish I lived in a small town.

How cute is this little train made of old water barrels hooked up to a four wheeler?! Jack grinned the whole ride and didn't make a sound. SO cute!

Jack Skellington

We are "Nightmare Before Christmas" fans, so when I saw these pajamas I HAD to get them. This is why we have children, right? To dress them in ridiculous outfits for our amusement, right?

( Look at that stink eye I am getting from Jack.)

Halloween, Christmas, Projects and Fun

This last weekend was SO great and relaxing! We spent time working on projects, decorating for Halloween and playing together as a family.

Jason finished working on our entertainment center for our living room. Jack liked to help his daddy.
(Just ignore the drool on my son's face . . . please)

Jack has a blast jumping in his Johnny Jump Up. This is the one my mom bought for me when I was a baby.

We also decorated for Halloween.



And, I worked on my Christmas stockings. Two down, two to go! The blue one is Jack's and the brown one is Jason's. I still have some finishing touches for them, but they are coming along better than I expected!

Introducing . . .

. . . Jack's first tooth!

I swear this kid has been teething since he was three months old. He has had that ridge on his gums in a few places for MONTHS. His first tooth officially appeared Saturday September 26, 2009. His Grandma and Grandpa Bailey were even here to witness it!

Now, if we can just get that next one to break through . . .

But now I am being greedy. :)

Making Baby Food

I am pretty much posting this for myself. As a reminder. That although the task of making your own baby food may seem daunting . . . it is so worth it.

A few weekends ago I told myself that soon Jack won't be eating baby food much longer and I had to GET WITH IT! I worry about his nutrition . . . like any mom. So, I went to the grocery store, bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables and spent Saturday night steaming, roasting, boiling, pureeing and freezing. It was a lot of work, but I am happy to know what Jack is eating - and to know where it came from!

I was surprised that this produce (above) actually made over 30 ice cube trays of food! It should last about four months for us! Hooray!

Healthy and cheap!

Blue Satin To Match His Eyes

Last night I put the finishing touches on the shadow boxes for Gavin's and Jack's hand molds. I was carefully taking Gavin's picture off the back of Gavin's previous shadow box when I rediscovered this fabric we used to fill some blank space behind the hand molds . . .

It was like the wave of grief swallowed me up in an instant. A physical blow that took my breath away.

This blue satin was purchased by Gavin's Grandma Bailey. She bought it to make the pillow his head now rests on. She said, "It matches the color of his eyes." And it does - perfectly.

Somehow, I still cannot come to grips with the separation from Gavin's physical body. I know his spirit no longer resides in that sweet little imperfect - yet so perfect - body. A body that now lies under a patch of grass next to many, many other two foot caskets. I have tried to explain the feeling I have about burying a child a being separated from that child's body. It's indescribable. Something no one really gets until they do it themselves.

I pray there is never another mother who has to do this.

I dreamed of creating a sweet baby all my life. I carried that little body for eight months. Cared for it for three months in a hospital. Held it while it breathed the last breath. Held it for two hours before placing it on that blue satin pillow. And gave it one last kiss before they closed the top and we said goodbye. No one can say there isn't a strong connection and love between a child's body and a mother. Even when the spirit has left. A mother still cares for it. Longs to hold it. Just for one more minute. To give it a million more kisses.

I have come to a peace about Gavin's plan. And mine too. I know that I cannot be with his spirit right now, but to know that his blond hair, blue eyes and funny little grin are just a mere two miles from my home . . . it's almost more than I can bear right now.

I miss him today. Desperately. I miss his sweet spirit and tiny little body that now lays on a pillow of blue satin - that matches his eyes.

Keeping Me On My Toes

Today I put Jack in his swing to watch Baby Einstein. I hear him singing along (yes, he loves to talk to the tv) and then I hear the swing get slower and slower. Thinking the batteries are rapidly dying, I walk into the play room and find this . . .

Apparently he is too "MATURE" for the cradle swing. Now that he has figured out how to sit up in it and grab the side bars (thus the slow swing) - I can't get him to lay back and relax. Sigh. There goes nap time in a swing. Guess it is time for the big boy swing!

PS - as I am sitting here typing this post, he has pulled himself up to a standing position using my chair and is licking my butt to get my attention. Gotta go now! YIKES!

Christmas Fabric

I have had a few requests regarding the Christmas fabric I purchased for my Christmas stockings. Ahem . . . I intend to start them this weekend. I hope.

ANYWAY! The fabric is from Nancy's Quit Shop here in Vegas on Buffalo and Atwood (just one street north of Cheyenne).

Jack is Eight Months Old

Another months has flown by and Jack is growing up even more! Now that he is a little more independent and on a more structured schedule things have become much easier. Whew! Those first few months were ROUGH!

This month Jack:

- is crawling like a mad man - still the army crawl . . . I don't think we are going to get much more than that from him

- is getting into any and everything within reach including the garbage can on more than one occasion

- pulls himself up to a standing position

- will take a few steps while he is standing and holding onto the couch

- is STILL trying to get his first teeth . . . we keep thinking they are going to pop through the gums, but they trick us every time. (I am actually starting to wonder if he even has teeth!)

- loves to eat all kinds of food and has a good three meals a day. WOOHOO! (Eating is a battle in our home)

- went on his first four wheeler ride with Grandpa Dave and fell asleep less than 30 seconds after he got on the ATV

- went on his first carousel ride

- says MAMAMA DADADAD and BABABA all of the time

- had his fourth haircut

- sleeps (usually) 10 hours at night! WOOHOO!

- will play in his crib for an hour before he wants out after a nap

- has a generally happy demeanor now - as long as he gets what he wants . . . must be his mother's child. HA! Just kidding. Kind of.

photos by Brittany Rulis visit her website at http://www.brittanyrulisphoto.com/

I Miss You

Dear Gavin,

I can't stop thinking about you today so I decided to look at some of our pictures.
They help me remember our time together.
This time of year is difficult for me.
I love the picture below of you in your Halloween pajamas.
I had you wear them a little early.
I am glad I did.
I miss you.
I love you.

Love,

Momma

Labor Day Weekend at the Iron County Fair

We spent Labor Day weekend with my family at the cabin. I have to say . . . Southern Utah sure knows how to throw a good fair and parade! sigh. There is a part of me that misses Southern Utah.

Saturday we went to lunch at an old college favorite of ours - the Pastry Pub - in celebration of my birthday. See, I told you - I can stretch it out to be a birthday WEEK!

How come Jack will listen to every word Grandpa Dave says, but not a single word I say?Later that evening we headed over to the Iron County Fair Grounds. I think I laughed til I wet my pants on the Gravitron (you know, that wheel ride that spins you so fast you stick to the wall?) cause the carnival worker started laughing when my mom got on with us. Apparently he doesn't know she is CINDY - the amazing woman. She did better on the ride than I did! I thought I was going to have a heart attack at the ripe old age of 27. Just imagine the Cedar City newspaper headline . . .

We did, however, get to take Jack on his first carousel ride. AWWW! (He didn't think much of it.)After the rides (and THANK GOODNESS it was after the rides) we ate fair food. You know the kind - where it tastes so good there and you pay for it later? Yeah . . . Jason ate three husks of sweet corn dipped in butter and salt . . .And later that night was the highly anticipated rodeo! I have to admit, it was a fun atmosphere.
And Jack, well . . . he preferred to suck on Aunt Becca's hoodie strap instead of watching bucking broncos.
See?

Sunday we went to church and had a bbq with friends. It was so fun to spend time together and watch Jack interact with other kids. And of course, we HAD to give Jack a bath in Grandma Cindy's big bath tub. I think he would be a fish if I let him.Monday morning we woke up bright and early (ahem . . . 10am) to go to the Iron County Labor Day Parade.

And then we spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing with the family til it was time to pack up and go home.

(Grandma Cindy, James, Grandpa Dave, Becca, Jason, Lauren and Jack)

It was SUCH a fun weekend. It totally made me miss the good ol' days living in Cedar. For the first time in a long time, I actually wished I lived in a smaller town again.

Laundry = Gratitude

Today while I was folding laundry I was filled with overwhelming gratitude when I saw this . . .

I love my babies so much.

I wish both were here with me.

On days like today I find myself grateful that I have baby laundry to do.

My Project

See all this Christmas fabric?

It WILL be patch work Christmas stocking for me, Jason, Gavin and Jack.

Did you hear me?

IT WILL!

I am trying to convince myself I can do this!

I think I bit off more than I can chew . . .

My Birthday

Usually I am able to stretch my birthDAY out to be a birthday WEEK. This year was no different. :)

I did have a wonderful birthday though thanks to my sweet husband, fun baby boys, friends and family.

I spent the day with this cute baby boy . . .and received this awesome homemade frame for our wedding picture from Jason . . .who surprised me in the evening with a bunch of these . . . and some time by myself here.
It was a nice and relaxing day spent with the people I love most!

Little Toes

Awhile back, my super talented sister in law had this fun idea to take pictures of the grandkids' feet.

Here are my two boys.

I just love baby feet. Don't you?!

Sweet Dreams

I thought I post a few fun pictures of Jack from this last week. Jack is now (knock on wood) sleeping from about 8:30pm to 7:00am. I now have time in the evenings to spend with Jason and I don't feel like a mad woman running around until the minute I collapse from exhaustion. It's actually kinda nice to have time again!

So, thanks Jack!

Keep up the good work! :)

Is there anything more precious than a little boy and his dad asleep together? This NEVER happens anymore (Jack likes his own space) so I had to capture this moment.I also found Jack like this . . . . . .after a nap. He has now learned to pull himself up. Good thing Jason lowered the crib last week. Poor thing - he looks so scared!

WARNING . . .

The following is a boring travel log of our two week trip to Europe. I am posting all of this for my own family history . . . and cause IT WAS THE TRIP OF A LIFE TIME!!

Ready . . . Set . . . Go!

Leaving Las Vegas

Saturday August 1, 2009

We left Las Vegas at 4:00am on Saturday August 1, 2009. My mom was so funny and rented a bus for our family and the 17 suitcases, 10 carry on bags, one stroller and car seat that we had to take with us. I was a little anxious as we started that morning knowing we had a fifteen hour plane ride ahead of us with a seven month old baby.

(Too excited to pay attention to the NO STANDING sign on the bus)

(Jack wasn't used to being us THIS early. PS - doesn't he look like Gavin here?)

Jack did amazingly well on both flights. From Vegas to Philadelphia and the Philadelphia to Venice. I was really prepared for the worst - but we were able to keep him entertained and asleep for most of the fight. We had to switch his day and nights, so sleeping during this time was an essential part of our travel strategy.

(We kept Jack entertained with Baby Einstein movies)

(Uncle James and Jack)

We did get a nice three hour lay over in Philadelphia where we were able to let Jack play and roll around. Please don't judge me for letting my seven month old crawl on the airport floor. I was desperate.

(Aunt Becca and Jack)

We ended up sitting on the runway in Philadelphia for an extra three hours while they worked on the plane generators. It was a miracle that Jack slept through those three hours and the next nine hours to Venice.

(None of us were happy about sitting on a plane for three extra hours)




By Sunday August 2, 2009 we finally had arrived in Venice and we boarded the Celebrity Summit.


WOOHOO!

Venice, Italy

Venice, Italy
August 2, 2009 and August 3, 2009

The evening we arrived in Venice my parents' offered to watch Jack while the rest of us went to explore Venice at night. Sigh. It was romantic . . .

Our gondolier liked to drink while he was taking us around the city. Guess there aren't any drinking and steering rules in Venice. HAHAHA! I crack myself up.

He was pretty funny and told us all about gondolas and those the people who work them. Apparently, only certain families are allowed to build the gondolas and certain others are allowed to row the gondola. He told us that he was a fourth generation gondolier . . . while he drank his beer . . .

I also had to have my first scoop of gelato that night. YUM! That was one of many this trip . . . you'll see!
The next morning our family went on a tour of Venice. We began in St. Mark's Square where we visited Doges' Palace, St. Mark's Cathedral and a Glass Showroom where they make Venetian glass. We took Jack with us on this excursion - but somewhere on the walk from the pier and Doges' Palace he lost his "inside voice" . . . oh wait, he has never had one of those. Grandpa David took him outside and wandered around until Jack fell asleep. Grandpa's a great. :)

St. Mark's Cathedral

I loved this sculpture in Doges' Palace. A momma with her two boys.

Jason and I standing in the place where to Doges (who were the governors of Venice) would greet their visitors.

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Dubrovnik, Croatia

August 4, 2009

We were scheduled to take a family tour of Dubrovnik, but after Jack's charades in Venice, Jason and I decided to take the bus into Old Town Dubrovnik and explore on our own instead of being trapped for four hours on a bus with an irritable baby. It ended up being a great day for our little family and we had a blast! Croatia is actually a place I would like to go back to - SO beautiful. (The view of Dubrovnik from our ship balcony)

The entrance into Dubrovnik's Old Town felt medieval and full of history. I had no idea Croatia was so beautiful.

Ummm . . . we don't really know who this statue is of - but it looked pretty cool!

The streets were small and croweded with stores and tons of pizzerias and restaurants. Vehicles are not permited inside this area of Dubrovnik so we were free to roam around on foot without the worry of being hit by mopeds. Heh heh heh. Jack ended up LOVING the front pack we brought for him as it allowed for him to see more and feel less restricted than he did in the stroller. We noticed there were not many children in most of the cities we visited so Jack was treated like a celebrity! People would come up to ooh and aah over our little guy. He sure knew how to turn on the charm for them!

Around noon we noticed big storm clouds coming in over the sea and we decided to sit and enjoy some lunch before we headed back to the ship. We were sitting outside at a pizzeria when the waitress suggested we come inside before the storm hit - because when the storm hits people rush into the first shelter they can find. We enjoyed a REAL pizza (not the american stuff we love) topped with three kinds of cheeses, parsley and tomatoes. We also quenched our thirst (hahaha) on some warm Coke Light. No diet Coke in Europe my friends. It's all called Coke Light and it does taste different.
Well, the waitress ended up being right and the storm started to move in to the town. Jason thought we should dart back to the buses and I suggested we stay and stick it out. He argued against that and I am sure glad I listened to him. It started raining as we hiked our way back to the bus and we did the best we could to cover Jack in the front pack from the rain and wind. As soon as we boarded the bus a huge crack of thunder hit and the storm let loose. It rained SO hard and so much that the pedestrian stairwells turned into waterfalls (literally) and hail the size of small rocks started falling. The bus driver said Dubrovnik hadn't had rain for months and months so this was not normal weather at all. My poor family was stuck in Old Town Dubrovnik when the storm hit and they all came back drenched.

Cutest two boys around Dubrovnik, Croatia.

Days At Sea

A Day at Sea

August 5, 2009

On this cruise we had three days at sea. On these days we spent time in the pools, playing Bingo, napping, watching movies and lounging on the deck of the ship. It was nice to have a little breather and take some time to let Jack get on a better schedule. He was such a trooper.

Jason took Jack to the kiddie swimming pool to test out the water.
It took a little convincing.

But Jack got in the water.

And loved it.

Jack even spent some time lounging on the deck with Grandma Cindy. He had his bottle while we sipped on Daiquiris and Pina Coladas - virgin of course.

Athens, Greece

Athens, Greece

August 6, 2009

Since my mom and dad had already done this Mediterranean cruise they volunteered to stay with Jack on the days we did exclusive tours - which were all day tours. Like ten or eleven hours. Athens was one of those days that it was just "us kids."

We had a short bus ride from the pier to our destinations. We had a little fun on the ride there.

(Me and Jason)

(James and Lauren)

(Buff Becca)(and a relaxed me)

The bus ride into Athens was actually very fascinating. We drove by The Temple of Olympian Zeus, Hadrian's Arch, Constitution Square, the Tomb of the Unknown Warrior, the Olympic Stadium (used in the first Olympics), and the Academy.

This is the Academy and University Library. It was one of the very first universities in the world. After our short drive through the city we were taken to the Benaki Museum where we were able to see ancient Grecian pottery, painting, dress and household items darting back to 300 years before Christ. It took so much effort to wrap my brain around all the information we were give there.

After the museum we went to the Acropolis. You know - the place where they worshiped Greek gods. It was amazing and so surreal that we were actually standing in a place that was thousands and thousands of years old.

After our visit at the Acropolis/Parthenon we had lunch at Dionysus Restaurant for an authentic four course Greek meal. If you ever go to Athens - Dionysus is the place to eat. It faces the Acropolis and has amazing food. Trust me. AMAZING.

Santorini and Oea, Greece

Santorini, Greece

August 7, 2009

We decided to do some exploring of Santorini on our own. I was so excited to visit Santorini. For those of you who have seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants . . . this is where the story is set when they visit Greece.

There are a few methods of transportation to get to Santorini. First a little background . . . this is an island where half of the it fell into the sea many, many years ago. So, the town is at the top of this cliff and houses are built down the side. You can take a cable car up to the cliff, ride a donkey or take the stairs. We chose the cable car.

(Here is the Beckwith family - who are family friends - in their cable car)

And when you reach the top of the cliff, the look out is breathtaking.

(The girls and Jack)

(The whole Mortensen clan)
(and the Beckwiths)

No, we didn't ride the mopeds. Some of us wanted to, but I didn't dare with Jack. I mean, have you seen how they drive in Europe?

After exploring the city of Santorini my dad took Jack back to the ship while we went to a black sand beach. Since Greece is a lot of volcanoes the sand on their beaches is black and grainy. It's not the typical white sand beaches I thought of when Greece was mentioned, but I LOVED the black sand. It was gorgeous.

(It was nice having a little time not being responsible parents for a bit.)

(Matt and Scott soaking up the Grecian sun)

After our time on the beach the boys decided to go back to the ship while the girls decided to explore more. We rode their bus (gulp) to a town called Oea. Talk about picturesque. We had a great time exploring, taking pictures and shopping in Oea. This is a place I WILL come back to someday. However, we will NOT be using their public buses there. You actually have to fight and push your way onto the bus. Good thing my buff sister was there to hold the crowd back while we boarded the bus. Literally. She blocked the way so we could get on. I am laughing now thinking about her. Love ya Becca Boo!

Day at Sea and Formal Dinners on the Ship

Another Day at Sea and Formal Dinner

August 8, 2009

Another day at sea meant a formal dinner that night.

These are actually pictures from two of the formal dress dinners.

(Awww . . . love my family)(Mom and Dad)(One of the nights we took Jack to dinner. He actually behaved!) (Lauren and James)(A little fun on the balcony of our room)(Our cute family)

(The dashing young men - James, Jason and Matt)

(And flirty girls - Becca, Lauren and Me)

Positano, Italy

Positano, Italy

August 9, 2009

Our ship docked in Naples, Italy and we did another exclusive tour along the Almafi Coast. My mom went with us on this excursion while Grandpa Dave and Jack had a day all to themselves!

Our first stop along the Almafi Coast was Positano. Talk about a postcard town! Positano is a small upscale town with vine-covered stairways, designer boutiques and sea side cafes. Our tour guide said a one bedroom one bath apartment in this town runs about $2 Million Euros. And remember each Euro is worth $1.50 American Dollars right now. EXPENSIVE!

The road to get to Positano is a two (sometimes one) way road that curves in and out of the sea cliffs. The tour guide told us that there are 1,002 curves on the road to Positano. Kinda felt like the Road to Hana in Maui.

(Lauren, James, Matt, Me, Becca and Jason)

This was a town I would love to return to . . . if we can afford it!

Sorrento, Italy

Sorrento, Italy

Augusy 9, 2009

After our morning in Positano we drove a short distance to Sorrento, Italy. We were introduced to Italian inlaid wood working shop and Jason bought a beautiful jewelry box that plays music. I am CRAZY about it!

And yet . . . another gelato. YYUUMM!!

(Becca and Me with our gelato)(I shared a little gelato with Jason . . . it was taken by force)



After exploring Sorrento and shopping for souvenirs we had lunch in a gorgeous hotel that overlooked Napels Bay. We had an amazing lunch of lasagna, chicken, Parmesan salad and bread . . . of course.

Pompeii, Italy

Pompeii, Italy

August 9, 2009

Our last stop on this day was Pomepii. This is an ancient city and one of the world's most famous archaeological excavations. In 79 AD Mount Vesuvius erupted and covered the thriving city of Pompeii with volcanic ash and pumice stone. This city was full of temples and mansions of wealthy inhabitants who desired to escape the turmoil of Rome. The volcanic ash and stone completely covered this city and they have been working on unearthing it for many years. A portion of the excavation is available for tours and exploration. I don't know why I assume people who lived that long ago weren't intelligent . . . the picture below proves me wrong. The streets of Pompeii was where their sewage and waste drained. They placed these large stones at intersections so pedestrians could cross the sewage filled streets. So smart.When archaeologists started digging around Pompeii, they discovered that when the volcanic ash covered the city it made casts of the inhabitants as well. These are real people who's bodies were sealed in a cast of ash. In some places you can even see their bones poking through the cast.
This is a cast of a pregnant woman. Kinda makes me tear up.

(Lauren, Becca, Jason, Me, Matt and James in Pompeii)

Rome, Italy

Rome, Italy

August 10, 2009

When in Rome . . . act as the Romans do . . . and roam around . . . or so says my husband. Jack stayed with Grandma Cindy on the ship while we toured through Rome.

We first started at the Colosseum. It's so crazy to think that the gladiators fought here. Jason was thrilled to be in one of the first sport stadiums.

After the Colosseum we went to Trevi Fountain. Who knew a fountain could be so amazing?And I threw a Euro in for luck and to return to Rome.

More gelato . . . and more pizza . . .

Our final stop of the day was the Vatican. This was the place I was the most excited to visit. I couldn't wait for all the art, history and architecture. I was disappointed that our tour didn't leave much time to explore. Just another reason to go back!
Inside St. Peter's BasilicaThis sculpture (La Pieta) by Michelangelo is found in St. Peter's Basilica. I loved one of the tour guides interpretation of the the various La Pieta sculptures Michelangelo created. In this sculpture Mary is holding the body of Christ after the Crucifixion. Apparently Michelangelo loved to invision this scene. He had lost his mother at a young age and it's as if you can feel the tenderness and longing Mary feels for her son. I am not aware of anywhere in the scriptures where Mary holds the body of Christ after that Crucifixion - but I can imagine that she, just as any other mother, would want to hold the body of her son. It was a very insightful explanation of this piece of art.

Florence, Italy

Florence, Italy

August 11, 2009

Our time in Florence was amazing! To get to Florence we had to travel through sunflower fields of Tuscany. Yet, another place we could revisit.

Our first stop was in the Cathedral Square where we saw the fourth largest cathedral in the world and Baptistery. These doors are to the Baptistery. These doors are know as the Gates of Paradise. Each square on the door is a carving of a bible scene.
A visit to Tuscany anyone? GORGEOUS!

We spent a lot of time in the Uffizi Museum and Academia Gallery where we saw a lot of work done Michelangelo, Rafael and DaVinci. Not the ninja turtles . . . the artists. :)

I would have to say the highlight of the day was when we saw the statue of David. I seriously welled up with tears. It was beautiful.

Pisa, Italy

Pisa, Italy

August 11, 2009

Our last stop of the day was to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa. And yes . . . we are toursists.

Livorno, Italy

Livorno, Italy
August 11, 2009

While we were in Florence and Pisa Jack spent the day with Grandma and Grandpa in Livorno, Italy. It looks like they had a lot of fun. Jack even had his first experience with a gypsy and bus ride without a car seat. No seat belts on Italian buses.

Monaco, France

Monaco, France

August 12, 2009

Our last stop on the cruise was in the South of France. We decided to explore France and ride the train to Monaco along the French Riviera.

We stopped by a Ferrari dealership. Wishful thinking Jason . . .

No gelato in France . . . it's called ice cream there. And yes, there is a difference.

Humid french weather + end of a vacation + hot baby + tired baby + cranky mom and dad = a naked baby in a French subway. Gross I know.

Home Sweet Home

They say a sign of a good vacation is being ready to go home. I think we all felt that way. We had a blast and saw so many amazing things but there is nothing like your own bed! Our vacation was amazing. We saw parts of the world that I only dreamed about seeing. Thank you mom and dad for arranging this fun family vacation! It was the trip of my dreams!

Jack Is 7 Months Old!

This last month has flown by. We have had a fun filled month of traveling on airplanes, boats, buses, cars and trains. Jason and I also learned that a "vacation" isn't really a "vacation" with kids. Don't get me wrong, Jack was a BLAST to be with on our trip, but we now know that if we want to relax, we have to do it sans kido.

This month Jack is:

- crawling on his arms and toes . . . kinda odd, but it's pretty cute and he can move like the speed of light

- says MAMAMAMAMAMA - but I don't think he associates it with me yet. It's just a noise he likes to make.

- has developed the most ear piercing scream if he doesn't get his way (we are attempting to break that habit with a form of time out - I think it's working for the moment)

- laughs like crazy when he is too tired

- eating all kinds of foods

- sits up without any problems at all

- can sit up on his own from laying on his tummy

- can be a total charmer in public and the minute we get home he can turn into the most cranky little guy (the last two pictures show his dual-personality)

Home Sweet Home

We have just returned from two weeks in Europe. Italy, Croatia, Greece, France and Spain. We had a blast and now it feels SO good to be home in our own beds. Be prepared for a long upcoming post of boring sight seeing and family photos. Now I just need to find the time in between the seven loads of laundry I have and switching back Jack's day and nights . . .

Happy 2nd Birthday Gavin

Dear Gavin,

Happy 2nd Birthday! What a special day to spend thinking about you! Last night we had a "Cars" birthday party for you. Your Aunt Becca and I spent a few hours on Saturday making your birthday cake and talking about how much we love you. Your birthday party was fun . . . but we wish you would have been there with us. We always used to joke how you would have to blow your birthday candles out through your trach. :) We would always say, "If we don't laugh about things like this, then we will cry." We try to choose to laugh, Gav. It's not always easy.

You were born at 10:01am on Friday July 27, 2007. I remember everything about that day. I remember how silent you were when you were born and how you just laid there on the table while they worked with you. I remember how you didn't respond to your APGAR test. I remember how it felt when a doctor came in to tell us that there was something wrong with you - a "syndrome"- and they couldn't tell what it was. I remember crying and praying. I remember that the first thought that came into my mind was how grateful I was for our eternal family and the knowledge that we would be together forever. No matter what happened here on earth.

Then, I remember going into the NICU to see you for the first time. You were so tiny. Only 5lbs. 6 oz. You laid so straight and made tiny little squeaks. The only sound you ever made. But Gavin, the thing I remember the very most was the way I felt when I was near you. You literally radiated peace. It was like we could communicate through our eyes. I knew you. And I knew that you knew me.

I am sure you knew your stay on earth wouldn't be long. But, we didn't. We fought hard and did everything a parent could do. Your father and I (and the rest of your family) made a real effort to be happy around you. I didn't want you to see my broken heart - I wanted you to remember your momma smiling and happy. You made me happy. I have so many beautiful and fun memories with you.

Your birthday this year is easier than last year. We were able to laugh more and celebrate you the way I wanted to. Time and love can help ease the pain of a broken heart, but nothing will ever fill the void a mother has in her heart for a child who is no longer here.

This morning I was reading from the Teachings of Joesph Smith. I read this quote, "Those who have died in Jesus Christ may expect to enter into all that fruition of joy when they come forth . . . Lay hold of these things and let not your knees or joints tremble, nor your hearts faint; and then what can earthquakes, wars and tornadoes do? nothing. All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful."

I will do the very best I can to be faithful so that we can all be together again. I love you Gavin. You changed my life forever and you have taught me more than I ever could have imagined. You are in my thoughts today and everyday.

Love,

Your Momma

Gavin's 2nd Birthday Party (A Day Early)

Tonight we celebrated Gavin's second birthday. We planned a Cars birthday party - 'cause I am pretty sure that is what a two year old boy would love. We met my family at the cemetery and brought birthday balloons over to leave with Gav. We released two balloons (one for each year) with messages we had written on them as we sang Happy Birthday. I know I have said it a million time before, but this is NOT how I envisioned doing my son's birthday party.

The cemetery was so calm and peaceful. I was overcome with grief and peace at the same time. A very dear friend of mine sent me an email last night after I had talked to her about how I felt concerning Gavin's birthday and having the blessing of Jack in our lives. She pointed out that it doesn't matter how many children we have - not having Gavin here with us will leave a hole in our hearts. We may be able to cushion the hole with the happiness and joy of other children, and the hole may not be a gaping emptiness that it was at the beginning - but that hole will always exist. And that will never be filled until I get to hold Gavin in my arms again. I am so grateful for friends who understand the grief and complex feelings of losing a child. We are delighted with having Jack - but Gavin is deeply missed.

After the cemetery we headed back to my house for dinner and birthday cake. Our families and friends have been so supportive of us as we try to keep Gavin's memory alive and find joy in our family's journey.

Our family of four! :)

Jack spent some time with Gavin.

The "Cars" birthday cake. (It's not fantastic, but I was pretty proud of it!)
Making a wish for Gavin as I blew out his 2 year old candle.

Jack Is Six Months Old!

Jack is half a year old! One time I was told that the first six months take forever and then time after that flies. It has been a long six months, but I have LOVED all of it. I know I may complain about the crying, whining and sleepless nights, but there is nothing that I wouldn't do for my sweet baby Jack. He has brought so much happiness and joy into our lives. We feel so blessed to have this miracle in our lives.

This month Jack:

- 15 lb. 10 oz.

- 25 3/4 inches long

- Has started eating bananas, avocado, pears, sweet potatoes, squash, applesauce and Puffs.

- Sits up all alone without assistance

- Stands up against the couch with little assistance

- Reaches up to be picked up

- Is back to sleeping through the night (keeping our fingers crossed)

- Loves watching Little Einsteins while I get ready in the morning

- Laughs hysterically at burps (I know . . . such a boy!)

- Actually made it through most of church

- Loves sleeping in his bed

- Army crawls all over the room

- Likes to play the yelling game (you know, where he yells and I yell and we see who can yell louder?)

- Loves swimming and dunking his own head under the water

The Seven Year Itch

Today Jason and I celebrate seven years of marriage. We look like babies in these photos. What were our parents thinking letting us get married so young? HA! They probably saw more potential in us than we were capable of seeing at that time.
Seven years have flown by. They have been full of ups and downs, but we have been able to stick together and develop a more deep love for each other. I think we were made for each other. We just "fit."

I love you like crazy, Jason. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I am a lucky girl! Good thing you are mine for eternity! :)

Planning A Birthday Party

Next week is Gavin's 2nd birthday. I spent this last weekend buying party supplies and planning out the birthday cake . . . not to mention driving myself insane trying to make this party "perfect." Maybe it's my way of distracting myself.

We decided a two year old boy would want a "Cars" themed birthday party.

I can't believe it's been two years. I kinda want to curl up in bed today and feel sorry for myself. I don't feel like that too often - but today I do. Good thing I have Jason and Jack to keep me distracted and busy.

A Little Mother's Guilt Is Normal . . . Right?

I wish Jack could have Gavin's mom. I feel like I have been two totally different moms to my two boys. It drives me crazy. I wish I could be now what I was like with Gavin. I felt confident, strong and capable then. I felt like I had patience and love towards everyone. I did things no mother should have to do. Made decisions no mother should have to make. And yet, through it all, I felt like I was a good mother. I felt like I had all the time in the world for my sweet Gavin. My life stopped 100% and I spent every moment I had with him.

I swore that I would always remain that capable and loving mother.

I don't feel like that anymore.

I feel like life has somehow swept me away and I am struggling to tread water. Try to keep my head above the daily chores of laundry, dishes, bills and other motherly duties.

This has actually been a sore spot for me for a few months now. I wish that I could be the mother Jack deserves. I don't feel as confident as I did with Gavin. I worry about what foods Jack should eat and fret about how long he does or doesn't sleep. For heaven's sake! I used to feed Gavin through a port in his stomach and change a trach. I would resuscitate Gavin multiple times a day. I did all of this for three intense months and now I worry about Jack crying in public? I care what people say to me when he screams for 30 minutes on a plane ride?

Who have I become? I am starting to do all those things I swore I would never do again. Gavin helped me reinvent my life. Helped define me as a person and as a mother. Now, I find that I lose my patience on a daily basis even though I swore I would love and appreciate everything that came my way.

I am sure there were angels that carried me through our time with Gavin. I am sure they were there to give support, comfort and provide the assurance that I needed to have in myself. It just all feels different now. People talk about a "mantle" when someone is given a specific church calling or position. I felt like I had that with Gavin. I felt like I could do ANYTHING.

Now, I just feel like a normal girl raising a little boy. I never feel alone, but I do feel much more insecure and doubtful raising Jack. I wish that Jack could have known me when I was Gavin's mother. But, for now . . . I will do the very best I can. And through all my weaknesses and mistakes I will make sure that Jack knows he is loved insanely by his mother. I will do the very best I can to help him be who he needs to be. Because really, nothing else matters in life.

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,

Today you turn six months old! I can't believe all you have accomplished already. You have been such a blessing to our lives. Your smile and laughter helps us find joy in life and your sweet hugs and loves melt our hearts. You came to us at a difficult time in our lives. Your pregnancy was full of anticipation and worry. But, here you are. Healthy and happy - just like we prayed for. We are so grateful for you.

I am sure you spent and continue to spend time with your big brother Gavin. Jack, you are a very fortunate boy to have a big brother who will always be able to watch over you. I hope you will always make good choices so you can feel his presence.

Jack, you are a delight to so many people. You are a miracle in our eyes and a blessing to broken hearts. Your intense and bold personality makes us laugh and makes us crazy. You love to move around and explore your environment. I love watching you grow and progress. I love to watch you try new things and experience new places. I love to see your big grin and hear your belly laughs. That is music to my ears.

I hope you know how much you are loved. I hope you know that you have been a faith building experience for me and a tender mercy in my life. There is nothing I would rather do with my life than to be your mother. I love you Baby Jack Jack.

Love,
Momma

4th of July

I've been out of the blogging world for a bit - but I'm back. We have been traveling the past few weekends and the weeks are so busy when you have a busy baby like Jack!

We went up to SLC for a quick visit with Jason's family for the 4th of July. Typically, Jack was an angel all weekend and is now tormenting me with his incessant need to be entertained. Good thing I am SOOO crazy about him!

We had a fun time visiting family and getting caught up with one another. Thanks for a great weekend Bailey Family!

Here are a few fun pics from the Daybreak Lake:

Quarantine

We spent these last few days like this . . . I pretty much quarantined our home this last week. The three of us ended up sharing the same cold all week. No big deal for Jason and myself, but this was a first for Jack. I was terrified of Jack's first cold. Jason was out of town on business for a few days last week, so I was nervous being home all day and night alone with a sick baby. I know it's silly to be scared of a cold, and I know I need to get used to sick kids - but my experience with sick kids is different. In Gavin's three months he had eight infections/colds/pneumonia including two strep and three staff infections. Something simple like a cold was literally life threatening for Gavin. Now I have to shift my paradigm and realize what a "healthy" sick baby is like. Thankfully, Jack is almost over the cold and just is a little stuffy. I was so grateful for Jack's strong body that could fight this illness so quickly.

First "Real" Food

We are finally moving on from cereals to real fruits and vegetables. Today we attempted avocado. (I read that it was a great first food.) Jack didn't think much of it.

Lunch went somthing like this:

Hmmm . . . we will try again tomorrow.

King of Pop

I am sure everyone has heard the new about Michael Jackson passing away today. I'm sad. Although he became an odd and eccentric individual - he was a music legend.

On the radio today they were talking about your most memorable "Michael Jackson moment." Mine happened in the late 80's when I was about 6 or 7. I remember being in bed one October evening shortly before Halloween when my dad came bursting into my room and told me to come see the TV. He then went to my younger brother James' room and woke him up too. My dad was SO excited to show us the Michael Jackson "Thriller" music video. I loved the singing, dancing and costumes - but mostly, I loved thinking how cool my dad was 'cause he liked Michael Jackson! :)

Jack Is Five Months Old

Time is an interesting concept with a baby. The last five months have seemed like an eternity and yet at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday that we brought Jack home from the hospital. Every day I fall more and more in love with him. He still has some "behavior issues" (as I like to call them) but he is so fun to play with now. He interacts so much and is developing a very strong personality. I think it's cute . . . Jason rolls his eyes and says, "Yep, just like his momma."

This month Jack:

stopped nursing - he weaned himself over a week and then wanted nothing to do with nursing at all. I was sad, but at least feedings aren't a battle too much anymore.

has learned to eat cereals - he loves rice cereal, oatmeal, and mixed grains

has learned to love a little bit of prune juice mixed with his cereal (ulterior motives there on my part)

has learned to stay sitting up without help, but still will tip over after a few minutes

loves to sit in his Bumbo seat on the island while I make dinner and talk to him

has learned to ooch all over the floor

can roll around like a little roly poly bug from tummy to back and back to tummy

has attempted the "Mogoli" walk (you know? from Jungle Book? He buries his head into the ground and stands up on his feet so his cute bum is in the air)

loves his silky blankie by his face when he falls asleep

has slept through the night (10:00pm to 6:00am) three weeks in a row

thinks it is hilarious when I cough

has learned to fake cough and thinks HE is hilarious

smiles great big smiles to anyone who stops to look at him in public

can scream louder than any baby I have ever been around

still loves his swing

does a puppy dog pant

has a crush on Annie from "Little Einsteins" (he smiles and squeals whenever she talks on the show . . . he must have a thing for blonds)

hates church with a passion - I mean, how does he know the difference? We make it through the first 30 minutes and then I spend the rest of the meetings walking OUTSIDE with him because he is screaming so loud I can't even roam the hallways)

looses his temper with his toys - especially if they don't fit into his mouth the way he wants them to

has pretty good screaming fits followed by big smiles and laughs - yeah, not sure what that is all about, but it is EXHAUSTING!

has been to the water park

has been swimming

like to go on walks

still has bad reflux and other digestive issues

has his first haircut and already needs another

I love being Jack's momma. He has brought so much happiness to our family. Not every day is easy or ideal, but I love this whole "mom" thing.

The Letters On Jack's Wall . . .

. . . were whittled by Jason from a 100 year oak tree in our back yard. HA! JUST KIDDING! They are cardboard/paper mache block letters from Joann's Craft Store. They are only about $8 a letter and if you find a really good sale you can get them for about $4. I love them cause they are light weight and I don't worry about them falling and hurting our little man.

From The Outside Looking In

I have been thinking about this for awhile now. It's actually been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Consider that your warning . . .

The other day while I was out at the store I noticed a woman looking at me with Jack. It wasn't the normal "awwww . . . look at the baby" look - it was a sad look. I had to wonder what she was feeling. I wondered about her story and her life experiences. Was she a mother who lost a child? Lost a pregnancy? Lost the hopes and dreams of ever being pregnant and having children? Maybe it was nothing. Maybe I was reading into it too much, but the longing in her eyes made me wonder what I look like from the outside now.

After Gavin passed away I felt like I walked around with a gigantic sign on my back. One that said, "Look at me. My baby just died." I felt like everyone was watching everything I did. Waiting for me to breakdown. Waiting to see how I would react in certain situations or with certain topics. And if people didn't know . . . I felt angry with them. Sometimes I just wanted to stand in the middle of the store and yell, "My baby that was once here is now gone. My baby suffered for months! Why don't you appreciate your children?!"

Soon after (and thankfully sooner rather than later), the anger towards others turned into envy and jealousy. I remember watching pregnant women walking into the hospital as I was leaving the doctor's office and I knew they were going to give birth. And most likely they would have healthy, normal children and could never appreciate the heartache I was feeling. I found myself jealous of them. Jealous for their children's health and jealous that their lives were going along "normal" while mine had just been turned upside down.

I am not shy to admit it. I was jealous of them and I was angry with God.

I remember thinking, "Why doesn't MY baby deserve to live? Why don't I deserve the happiness I see other mom's having." Looking back now I realize the amazing blessings and happiness I have and will have again someday, but in the middle of those months, it was difficult to see past an hour. Let alone a day, a week, a month and forget about a year. When you have a baby like Gavin you literally live minute to minute. Literally.

Then the months came after he passed away. They took forever. Once again living minute by minute. I remember watching moms in the store. I remember thinking (and judging them unfairly) that they couldn't appreciate the miracle of healthy children who are here. Of course there were the moms who were upset with their kids, but mostly I saw kind and loving moms who were doing the very best they could. And I was still jealous and wishful. Hoping that I would have that chance someday.

Now here I sit. I have one angel baby and another sweet boy who is here and healthy and tests my patience too. And now I wonder . . . how do I come across to those in public who watch me? No longer do I feel they watch me for the same reasons, but I know there are other moms who are going through difficult times like I have. Do they see me and think about how I have a "normal" life" and wish they had one too? Little do they know the heartache and agony our family has been through to get to this point.

I guess the whole purpose of this post is to ask a collective forgiveness from the moms who I watched and envied and unjustly judged. You never know what someone has been through. I wonder what I must look like from the outside looking in. Life has a funny way of coming around and teaching you lessons. I learned so many lessons during our brief time with Gavin, but I still seem to be learning from that experience.

I am ashamed of my past anger and jealousy. However, I do realize that we are human and we are given human emotions for a reason. I do not believe in holding back and ignoring those human feelings, but I do believe that it is how we react to those feelings that will either make or break us.

Jack's Nursery

We have finally completed Jack's nursery . . . well, most of it. There are still a few little things here and there that I would like to do. Jason did such a fantastic job on the room. I don't know if Jack appreciates all his hard work yet, but I sure do. Jack is a lucky boy to have a dad who has built this beautiful room for him.

God Must Have A Great Sense Of Humor

Today in our primary class this was the prayer said by a six year old boy:

Heavenly Father,

Thank you that we could come to church.

Bless that we will have a fun time and listen to our teachers.

Bless that we will have a fun time at church.

Actually, I really don't like church.

I wanna go home.

I would rather be at home painting.

Amen

Jack's First Haircut

The time has come. Jack has had his first haircut. Thanks to Aunt Lauren who did a FANTASTIC job!

A few "before" pictures "You are gonna do WHAT to my HAIR?!"Last look at the mullet.

"NOOOOO!"

What a handsome boy with his awesome Aunt LarLar!

Sleeping and Swimming

After a fun Memorial Day weekend with Grandma Bailey and Aunt Trisha - we decided it was time to post some pictures.

First and most importantly (for mom). . . Jack is now sleeping in a crib!

All night!

WOOHOO!

The pain and few sleepless nights (and mental breakdowns) were so worth it!

Jack is stylin' for his first swim in Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Dave's pool!